Pineapple Express a la Esa

Strangely enough, my eyes don't turn bloodshot when I smoke up.

I giggle like a maniac when I inhale the lingering scent on my shirt.

My favorite part is threading my fingers through the smoke tendrils that inevitably waft up and away into oblivion.

Flaming Lips is very nice to listen to when I'm mellowed.

And pipes are better--always.

Um, Yeah...

I finished my take-home exam for Sociology. W00t.

Now I have my 8-page paper for Performing Culture and my 4page paper for PSCI left.

...This is not cool. I will finish my work by Sunday. I will, goddammit. Just watch me.

~~

Also, the end of 2008 draws near. That means it will soon be time for my Ten People Post, otherwise known as Things I Should Have Said to People I Should Have Known Better. Hmm-hmm. It shall be exciting. I already have my list of people. The only problem is: how long will each blurb be? Or will I just word-vomit all over this page and get my feelings out in the open? Decisions, decisions.

I'm so fucking indecisive XD

I Am Here

I'm at home.

I haven't finished my Midd work yet.

Goal? Finish EVERYTHING by this Friday. Seriously?

SERIOUSLY.

Survivor: Middlebury College

I am leaving at 10 AM, Tuesday morning. I still have to:

- finish my 8-page seminar paper (2 of which I have typed)
- finish my 4-page Political Science paper (I have typed out a thesis statement)
- do 2 weeks' worth of laundry
- PACK
- and wipe/sweep/vacuum/dust my room

...oh, and return library books too.

O__________________O

I AM A SURVIVOR, DAMMIT.

Coincidence? Hardly. Divine Retribution? ALWAYS.

I am a dog wanting to be kicked by you over and over. And it's getting rather annoying.

Over the past two weeks you have said some cruel, tactless, careless comments that have really hurt me (and unnamed friend v_v). Today, you slid down Mead Chapel at midnight and flipped over a snowdrift, skinning much of your lips (and the immediate surrounding area) in the process. This Saturday you're going back home, where your Fuzzle Bunny is waiting. You know, I've never been the one to say it but I think this is an appropriate moment for me to start, am I right?

SERVES YOU RIGHT, BITCH.

Man, I feel so much better now.

A Complicated, Drawn-Out list of Things To Do Over Xmas Break

1. Go to Wal-mart and buy:
- chips
- candy
- gum
2. Go to H-Mart and buy:
- bottled drinks
- instant noodles. LOTS.
- azn snacks (YEHH)
3. Work some days at the restaurant (BLAGH)
4. Spend a whole day with Brittany (and night?)
5. Have Dana over at my house for a few days before Xmas
6. Go clubbing with my aunt one weekend night
7. Christmas shop ALONE (At The Avenue perhaps???)
8. Color my hair (Blue? Purple? BOTH???)
9. Buy more clothes for myself v_v
10. Visit DARworld (oh boy.)
11. Visit the Core Group of Friends (the two Ds, the H, blah blah blah)
12. Watch Twilight and Let the Right One in--then compare
13. Watch the various holiday movies opening over break @_@
14. Visit Chinese school
15. See Cho and Jerry at the food stall (perhaps even hang out with them?!)
16. Try new azn restaurant in Rockmart (Hibachi Grill...PFFT AHAH)
17. SO KONG DONG. 'Nough said.
18. Go to a couple more shows with Jes 2 and her gang--intrigue with the redhead?!
19. Decide my future with the 'rents O_O (finances, ground rules, spring break, etc.)
20. Keep up with ALL of my shows (the hardest one of them all...)

Eric, You Bastard

Waterworld

A year and a half ago, I tried to drown myself in the shower. I can remember--all too clearly--the moments that led up to my failed attempt and the murky, dazed aftermath that followed.

It was late May, and I was close to finishing my junior year in high school. It was dark, and my mother was driving for once instead of me (because you see, it had been an especially stress-filled Saturday, and I was tired.) We started off talking about what happened in school that week, and inevitably, we wound up discussing what I could have done better: i.e., participated in more extracurricular activities, signed up for more contests/competitions, applied for more scholarships, blah blah blah. This topic had been beaten to death over the past several months, but since she was the one driving, I let her talk until she was finished. However, I wasn't prepared for her closing statements, which were markedly different from what she had always said before.

"Look, Esa, I'll be honest. This year has been a huge disappointment. You have been a huge disappointment."

At first, my mind didn't register. Couldn't register. A few minutes dragged by before the meaning of her words actually sank in. I didn't know how to reply. Was I supposed to reply? And what could I have said, anyway, to make her feel better? In the end, all I could manage was a feeble "I'm sorry" that sounded more like a question if anything. My mother simply shook her head and shifted to third gear as we exited the interstate. We were silent for the rest of the ride home.

When we finally arrived back at the house, I helped her carry the groceries into the kitchen, where I then unpacked them, stored them in the fridge, and retied the plastic bags for later use. She glanced at me one more time, full of emotions I couldn't name, and quietly shuffled to her bedroom. I went upstairs to take a shower.

As I stood underneath the showerhead, I mulled over her last comment and turned the shower knob to increase both the heat and water pressure. The more I thought about it, the hotter I wanted the water to be until it was all but stripping the skin off of my red, raw body. Eventually, I started to cry. Eventually, it turned into sobbing. I had never sobbed before. I've cried plenty of times, but that night was different. It wasn't supposed to feel so intense, was it?

I've thought about this for a while, and have gone through many words in my head, but the only one that still--to this day--accurately describes how I cried in the shower is this: Racked. I was racking with sobs. Shaking, twisting, writhing on the tiled floor. I felt light-headed, dizzy, disoriented, and completely out of touch with reality. I can honestly say that not one single, coherent thought crossed my mind the whole time I laid there, naked and pathetic, as the water kept on burning me. For the longest time, I couldn't stop. The sobs would subside after a few minutes, but just as quickly flare up again; and had the episodes gone on indefinitely, I think I could have gone legally, clinically insane. It was hard to breathe, what with the snot and the tears and all that water (so much water.) It was my own little waterworld.

And that's when I tried to kill myself. To this day, I still can't find it in me to write out the actual experience.

I don't know how long I stayed in the shower, but everyone had gone to sleep by the time I stepped out. I felt so tired then.

~~

I'm not sure what made me post this. I still haven't told my mother yet. But I feel slightly more at peace. Better than nothing, right?

Before I Forget

I had a dream last night:

Christo was going to take over my side of the room and kick me out somewhere else come spring semester. Instead of one roommate, I had two more. My family came to visit, and my mom fussed over my moving out (even though I wasn't supposed to move out yet.) Dana was in my dream at one point, but the details are getting fuzzy. Oh, and Vermont doesn't looks like Vermont. It looks like Seattle.

...I think I've been watching too much Grey's Anatomy. XDDDD

I Have No Words

People are singing contemporary Christmas songs (i.e., Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas") outside my room.

I'm going to throw something if they don't stop.

Anyway, I'm still not done with my work (DURR), but I'm taking a much-needed break. I want to read a good, juicy book actually. Let the Right One in is very good, I heard. The movie too.

...IDEA!

Idea: Read the book. Watch Twilight the movie. Then watch Let the Right One in movie version. Compare and contrast. Hahahaha, more procrastination!!!!!!!

Swinging (But Certainly Not Dancing)

My mood keeps rollercoast(er)ing. Is that even a word? Oh whatever. I want to go home T_________T

1. Aww shit I have so much to do and how am I ever going to finish 2 papers, a problem set, 2 exams, a presentation, and a take-home exam, along with a bajillion other little things that are equally as important?! Can time just stop for me, please? I should have managed my time more wisely, but I dicked around YET AGAIN and now look at me! I'm going batshit insane whooooooooooo--

2. Ok. The paper is only 4 pages; as long as I have more hours than pages left, I'm fine. The other paper is just a revision and I have an entire weekend to work on it. The exams are a day and a half apart from each other, so I just can spend all those days (which is next week) studying. I've done it before; I can do it again. I can always bullshit the presentation, pssh right? Okay the problem set is going to be a bitch to do, but that's about the only really hard thing...I think. And as for the miscellaneous errands I have to run before I leave for xmas, they're just errands. I'm just making mountains out of those molehills (or however the fuck you say it.)

...

...

...and then after this rationalization, I remember the take-home exam and everything else comes tumbling after.

Go me.

Actually, just save me. Someone. Anyone.