loose leaf

It's that time again in the spring semester where the doubts begin to creep at the edges of my thoughts. They're stubborn little things, so they'll take their time reaching me: slowly, gradually, inevitably. Silly me, I always try to shake them off in the beginning, so sure that this time, this year I'll beat the anxiety and finish spring term with solid grades. Naturally, this has not happened yet. I told you: in the beginning, the situation looks to be in my favor.

It is a tenuous grasp.

The confidence I parade around in the early months fades away completely after spring break. I'm left mentally drained, out of fucks and shits and cares to give for my academic career--and by extension, the rest of my adult working life. I mask the absence with false laughter and bold statements, insisting that my school work (and professors' regard) is of no importance. I let myself get sucked into my computer. I'm on the damn thing every day, every hour, pulling open blank Microsoft Word documents alongside forty different tabs on Google Chrome, all to convince myself that I'll finish that assignment, I'll finish that paper, right after I click this last link because it's only one more, and I'll be quick about it, I promise I promise.

Empty words.

My hold on reality weakens. The days pass by unnoticed, my calendar left unmarked. I skip classes, for weeks at a time if the downhill slide is bad enough. I am listless and floating. I am adrift. I do not always know where I am. I have fallen asleep. And when I finally awake, it is only to find that I have failed yet another class--and with it, another piece of myself gets locked away.

The truth of the matter is that I'm frightened. I can feel it happening all over again, and I still haven't figured out a way to break the cycle. Appointments with the counselor don't work, as I've belated discovered. Lectures from the parents fare no better. This is up to me. The ball is in my court.

For once, can I be brave enough to take some form of agency in my life?