Reminders

I don't listen to certain songs.

I don't drive by certain places.

I don't wear certain clothes.

I don't look at certain things.

I haven't in months. It's annoying.

#nomoredreamsplease

I've had three this week and none of them good.

I am so tired of crying about you when I drive at night.

What He Got Away With

1. I text him. He replies two days later. I text him. He forgets to reply. 

2. He goes down for five minutes, fucks me until he comes, and watches while I finish myself off. Repeat. 

3. I am upset with him over something. I don’t bring it up because the last time I did that, he ignored me for a week. 

4. We schedule a meetup. I hold my breath until five minutes before the appointed hour because I never know if he’ll cancel at the last possible moment. 

5. I cry. He insists we’re “just talking.”

6. He has the sweetest mouth and says the most careless things. 

7. I try not to care. He actually doesn’t care.

8. He doesn’t touch me in public. 

9. I let my walls down. He torched and salted the earth beyond it. 

10. He saw me cry.

he gave me the summer I wanted

Timeline So Far

November 2

December 10

December 20

March 25

May 3

May 13

June 30

July 2

July 8

July 23

Clockwork

What does it take to have a stable, reliable, predictable, semi-romantic arrangement in my life?

Am I asking for the moon here?

This was us

“

I once knew a man who came on very strong at the beginning of relationships, but couldn’t seem to help closing his heart as soon as a woman had opened hers. I have heard that kind of behavior referred to as an “addiction to the attraction phase” in relationships. This man did not maliciously go around hurting women. He sincerely wanted to be in a genuine, committed relationship. What he lacked were the spiritual skills that would enable him to settle down in one place long enough to build anything solid with an equal partner. As soon as he saw human faults and weaknesses in a woman, he would run. The narcissistic personality is looking for perfection, which is a way to make sure that love NEVER has a chance to blossom. The initial high can be so heady, so tantalizing, that the real work of growth which needs to follow the initial attraction phase can seem too dull, too hard to commit to. As soon as the other person is seen to be a real human being, the ego is repelled and wants to find somewhere else to play.

At the end of a relationship with someone like this, we feel as though we’ve taken cocaine. We had a fast and exciting ride, and it felt at the time like something meaningful was happening. Then we crashed and realized that nothing meaningful had happened at all. It was all made up. Now all we have is a headache, and we can see that this kind of thing isn’t good, isn’t healthy, and we don’t want to do it again.

But there’s a reason why we’re attracted to relationships such as this. We were drawn to the illusion of meaning. Sometimes someone who has nothing to offer in a real relationship can come on like they’re offering the world. They are so dissociated from their OWN feelings that they have become highly skilled performers, unconsciously playing whatever part our fantasies prescribe. But the responsibility for our pain still remains OUR own. If we hadn’t been looking for a cheap thrill, we wouldn’t have been vulnerable to the lie.

How could we have been so stupid? That’s the question we always ask ourselves at the end of these experiences. But once we’d had enough of them, we admit to ourselves that we weren’t really stupid AT ALL. We suspected this was a drug. The problem was, we wanted it. We saw exactly what the game was with this person, usually within the first fifteen minutes, yet we were so attracted to the high, we were willing to PRETEND we didn’t see it, for just a night, or a week, or however long it lasted. The fact that someone said to us, “You are so fabulous. You’re such a wonderful woman. This is such a great date. How lucky a guy is to get to date you,” when he’s only known you for an hour, is a blinking red light to any thinking woman. The problem is, the depth of our wounds can be so great—we can be SO hungry to hear those words, because deep down we suspect that they’re untrue—that hearing them can cause us to put aside all rational consideration. When we’re starved, we’re desperate.

”

—	Marianne Williamson

(No) Comparison

I find that there’s never a lack of things to talk about with Asher. Either he’s on a 15-minute tangent about articles he’d read that week or I’m on a half-hour ramble about some pop culture minutiae that only he would understand. Whether we’re on chat, phone, or in person, the conversation doesn’t stop. Unless he interrupts me with a kiss, in which case, we’ll just continue the dialogue while tearing each other’s clothes off anyway. Afterward, he lifts himself off me, gently tips over to a side of the bed, and becomes the big spoon to my little spoon. It’s what he always does. My body used to tense up at that. 

The vibe between us flows easily. I’m surprised by how comfortable I feel around him. The last six months of constant interaction with Chance wrung my nerves out, shattered any sense of security or awareness of our situation to the point where I would second-guess myself on second-guessing myself. With Asher, I’m not confused or uncertain. I know where we stand. His person—and everything that comes with that—is a known entity devoid of mystery or speculation. I could weep for the sheer relief he brings with him. 

In bed, he’s attentive in ways that Chance never was. I see him quietly file away every gasp and breathy whisper that slips from my mouth as his long, clever fingers rub little half-circles between my legs. He remembers what I enjoy, how I liked to be touched, and doesn’t switch to his preferences until I give permission. To be sure, the hours spent in his room aren’t the desperate, frenzied couplings I had with Chance, but maybe I’m tired of that. Maybe this is what I need right now, for now. Not love, not nothing either. 

Companionship.

I'm going to trust my judgement. I have to trust my judgement.