Hi, My Name is...

I feel like I'm repeating middle school, which is NOT what I expected the end of my J-term to be like. Not cool. Not cool at ALL.

STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I'M IN MIDDLE SCHOOL AGAIN XO

And no, you may NOT laugh at me Dana >_>

Bitch, Please

What has happened to me since I came to Middlebury? I've become this...this...this player?! Do I mess with hearts now??? This is so not like me. I now officially have a Guy #3 @_@ I know how likely it is for him to fall in too deeply, but I persuaded him to try this thing between us anyway. Does that make me a bitch? The bitch? I'm not sure, and I don't think I want any of you out there to answer that. Not yet.

I've beaten this topic to death already with several unfortunate persons, but I'm still going on and on. I need to shut up.

NO.

I need the person I REALLY TRULY want to want me back. Then I will finally shut up.

Stupid stupid stupid.

Floating

Okay so you wrote something about that night. Did you know that I was reading that particular piece? Did you intentionally leave it out there for any pair of wandering eyes?? What do you want me to think??? What does that mean??? What does this MEAN??? Why do I have so much trouble deciding what a fucking HOOKUP means???

What is wrong with ME???

At least I know that we both feel the same way about our late night rendezvous, but Jesus, some of the lines in your story-thing: "We both liked to think that we were drunk, but we knew otherwise." WTF. And "southern moans"??? "Dark eyes roving"??? Ugh, these past two weeks have just been one huge mindfuck. Hah, no pun intended.

Maybe it's a good thing that J-Term is only for a month.

Sleepless in Middlebury, Which is Infinitely Cooler Than Being Sleepless in Seattle

I have gone 48 hours without sleep. I have not hallucinated yet, but I'm waiting for it.

~~

Most of my work is done. This Friday I am getting drunk out of my mind. But first, some work.

~~

I have cripplingly low self-esteem. Right, that needs some work.

~~

I love J-Term.

Listening to: "Fin" by Pavement

So I finally hooked up with someone over the weekend. Initially, I liked the idea of little ol' me finally petting/groping someone who thought I was not some hideous creature from the abyss, but by Sunday night--after a well-needed talk from a dear friend--I was left feeling tired, disillusioned, and used. Not that I've never felt that way before, mind you, but this is the first time I've ever been manipulated so thoroughly for sexual release. Yeah. I sound like a pretentious cunt there, but whatever. I'm really glad I didn't actually have sex with him now.

Explain: he was needy and I was needy. He wants a sweet blond-haired girl who goes to bed by 11 every night, and I want his roommate. Is it to anyone's surprise, then, that we came together--two lonely, needy, drunk, horny college students--in someone's room for a night of sexual alleviation? Didn't think so. And I was far too sober to enjoy the experience as much as he did. I drank, but certainly not enough to enjoy myself. My mind--as always--was everywhere at once as he touched me. Why am I doing this? Is this making me feel good? Why can't he just continue to kiss my neck instead? Must it always end with the penis? Dammit, I still haven't revised my paper yet. I hope I don't have too awful a hangover tomorrow morning. And on and on.

Although we groped each other underneath the bright lights of a friend's room, I never once kissed him. Never. I couldn't. It would have added an element of humanity too much for the likes of me. I would have seen his face, and it would hit me that this was happening in real time, in real life and I would have stopped, too ashamed and unsure of myself to go on. To me, the only act more personal than a kiss is sex. I could try to explain why, but then I would need another 9000 paragraphs. Maybe some other time.

In the aftermath, whenever I see him, I automatically think back to that night, which is not what I want to picture when I talk to him, whom I still consider a friend. He told me that it wouldn't be awkward, and now I'm the one making things weird between us. I honestly don't know how I want him to (re)act: Strangely? Nonchalantly? Like it never happened? What? WHAT? I wish I knew, really. But all I know for sure is this: that I'm his friend and not his sex toy to be used over and over again whenever he's annoyed that his girl won't respond to his advances.

~~

That's when I realized:

I don't want my first time to be a drunken fumble with someone I met five minutes ago. I don't want my first time to be with a friend looking for a semi-handsome replacement. I don't want my first time to be some guy's last resort. And I definitely don't want my first time to be a mistake I'll regret for the rest of my life.

I thought I could pass off sex as something completely natural and inconsequential, but I can't anymore. If I'm going to give it up, I want it to mean something. I want it between Whoever and I under bright lights, fully exposed and aware of what we're doing. I want it sober. And I want it with someone I like quite a bit. Maybe even, l***.

So yeah, that's my musing for today. I was making up for this week.

Horoscopes are CREEPY

Scorpio Horoscopes
(Oct 23 - Nov 21)

Last Week | This Week | Next Week

For the Week of Jan 12th, 2009 -- If you feel like you're on the outside looking in this weekend, either take some time off from your social life or step out of the shadows and make yourself known. Don't expect the object of your affection to read your mind. If you want something, it's fine to say it as long as you are sensitive to how the other person will hear it.

~*~*~*~*

January 2009
Last Month | Current Month | Next Month
Walk the Path of Patience

You are an interesting mix, Scorpio, as you move between the part of you that puts passion first, allowing emotions to dominate your actions, and the planning part of you that is able to maintain self-control in pursuit of your goals. It is the latter, the planner, that is likely to be dominant for most of January. It should be relatively easy to find a patient approach to relationships in which you are willing to work long and hard to shore up what you have or get with someone new.

Mars, your traditional ruling planet, is in practical Capricorn where you can be very effective at getting what you want. What’s needed is a clear goal and a commitment to reach it. It’s possible, though, that someone could be put off by your calculating ways. Don’t let your emotional ambition and romantic desires shut you off from hearing what the other person says. Pay careful attention, not just to words but also to their tone, body language and other subtle signals. Showing that you understand a person and will do your best to make them happy is something that’s very hard for anyone to resist. You don’t have to give up your principles, though, because what’s essential is simply to listen and show that you care. Mars’ sweet alignment with inventive Uranus on January 22 brings out your spontaneous side and can attract an unconventional individual into your life. This is your chance to stretch your personal boundaries and move beyond any rigid rules that keep you from trying new activities and alternative ways to express your feelings.

Karen Part II

I have found a new person.

And he is really fucking tall.

Oh boy.

But he's cute though.

I mean, I can still look at him from afar right? I know there's no chance, but I still get to look!

XOOO

Grades n' Braaaaaiiinnss

So...I have one A, one B, and 2 Cs.

I did fairly well throughout the fall semester.

And then I completely fucked up the endgame.

Way to go, Esa.

Way. To. Go.

My Dirty Little Secret

I never finished an essay that was due on December 15th. Tadaaa. And now I must turn it in before tomorrow noon.

I am cool.

Okay, no I'm not.


WWAANNNHHH--!

My Fake New Year Resolutions

1. Maintain weight of 120 lbs. (don't lose or gain)

2. Start homework/assignments earlier (HA.)

3. Cut down snacking habits (RIGHT...)

4. Drive to Atlanta by myself (I can dream right?)

5. Don't think about the Game (DOH! Just lost it T_T)

Now if I could only keep them, 2009 would be juuusstt peachy >_>