Out With It

I wish I could just resume whatever was happening with him back in May instead of constantly having to draw and redraw these new boundaries/parameters that wind up blurring and getting crossed anyway. Potential dating! Kidding, now it's cut-off-ties-and-move-on. No wait! He's apologized, and I've extended the hand of friendship without any expectations to sleep with him again since he has a girlfriend. Kidding, now he's broken up with her and has been hankering for time with me. But wait! We should redefine this nebulous thing we've started up again. And on and on and fucking on.

I feel like there's bait dangling in front of my face, and he keeps lowering and yanking the hook. I've been talking bullshit for the past few weeks here when I should have just owned what I feel instead of pushing down everything like I always do.

Yes, I do like him. Quite a bit. And I would like a more serious arrangement with him, but I'm convinced/certain that he doesn't want the same, especially considering that he just got out of a summer relationship barely a month ago. I'm ashamed that I would still have feelings for someone who's hurt me the way he has. I'm angry that I can't concentrate on much else. I'm humiliated that I've let myself become more invested in some whatevership than the other party. I know better than that.

Mostly, I'm terrified of feeling more vulnerable than I have in years.