Right. Um.

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Why I Haven't Been Posting

I want to go back to school.

What Is This Real Life You Speak Of?

Face The Music

This hasn't been a good school year. I said essentially the same thing last year too. I suppose the first two years of my college career royally suck then. I have no one but myself to blame though. Of course. I meant for this blog to be a place where I can be at ground-zero with my thoughts, but instead I just post funny pictures and videos because I've become afraid of typing onto the screen what's really been bothering me since I've graduated high school. I've gotten help in the form of a counselor for this semester. It's marginally helped. Marginally, mind you.

This post should be an honest spillage of words and confessions that I've been holding back all these months, but it won't be. I won't tell you about how behind I am in work despite it being the end of the semester, or how I might not be returning to Middlebury because of money and my recent academic failures, or even how I've been avoiding my family and friends in order to be alone. These concerns are staying locked away in my mind. I know that as soon as I voice them, they gain corporeal form and attempt to strangle the life out of me. Hell, I'm not saying any of this out loud, and I can already feel pressure wrapping itself around my throat.

I'm going home in a few hours. I'm screwed.

I May Be an Academic Failure But...

Glory Box

I give this post an R-rating. Read at your own risk.

~~

Last night was my first legitimate one-night stand. His name is Ben *******. With brown, curly hair and small, crinkly eyes, he was cute enough for me as I spotted him across the dance floor at the underground lesbian S & M party that took place at a remote corner of the campus. We were dancing with other people when our eyes met, and something clicked into place. As soon as we broke away from our partners, he drew me to him; and we began to dance. The first song had not yet even ended when he dipped his head down for a kiss. It was wet and sloppy, as were all the kisses I had exchanged that night, but he made a point to kiss me on each cheek after messy ones on my mouth. Intrigued, I let him run his hands up and down my hips, let him grab my ass and nip my neck.

We danced nonstop through song after song, and I gradually became more brazen in my grinding, rolling and jerking and sliding against his pelvis until his erection pressed into the small of my back. I was abruptly seized by a stab of guilt then and turned to face him. Flatly, I told him that I am a tease and that this dancing of ours would come to nothing. He surprised me by nodding and continuing to nibble my ear. At this point, I did not really notice anyone else. The crowd was a blur of slick, sweaty bodies that he and I were in the middle of. I could smell it in the air. Everyone was stressed, excited, exhilarated—and incredibly horny. I would be lying if I said I had reigned in my urges and kept myself in check.

We stumbled onto the couch, and he roughly pulled me to his lap, the momentum causing me to fall right on top of him. I lain on him then and sucked at his bottom lip while his hands roamed over my back, my ass, my legs. (But wait, I am a good girl, and good girls are not supposed to do things like that.) After several minutes, he suggested we go someplace more private, and that was when I became tired of playing it safe and thought, Fuck it, why not? I told him in no uncertain terms that I would be calling the shots and directing his actions. We would stop when I wanted to stop. I could kick him out at any time. Again, he looked at me with a hint of a smile in his eyes and nodded. Sure. Whatever you want.

So I took him home last night to my room and locked the door. I played loud music on my computer and dimmed the lights. He grabbed me from behind and nuzzled my neck. I sighed and leaned against him.

~~

Ben is unlike anyone I have had before. He is not impatient to undo my bra or to dig his hand down my pants. He lowers me down slowly onto the futon, eyes locked with mine. His fingers lightly graze across my stomach, the jutting outline of my hipbones, the small space between my breasts. With an awed reverence, he unhooks my bra only after having traced every contour and angle of my body with his mouth. He is not rough. I am being touched as if I am made of glass. Calmly, deliberately, he plants open-mouthed kisses on my chest and flicks each nipple with his tongue. The pants slide off, and at last, I sense the urgency in his actions as he rakes his fingers over the soft flesh of my hips and ass.

He lovingly licks the entire length of my legs, paying special attention to the inside of my thighs while I am still laying there with my knees spread open and inviting as my hands caress and tug his curly brown hair in an effort to find something to do while this lovely young man worships my body. With only my panties left, he slowly takes them off. I am naked now, but I do not feel insecure. Vulnerable yes, but also alluring. Enticing. Apparently, he is thinking the same exact thing because he immediately dips his head down, and I gasp because I never see it coming. I encourage him to add his fingers to the mix, which he is only too happy to do. From there, my mind is empty of all coherent thought.

~~

He sucked and blew every inch of me, murmuring “hot, so hot” the entire time. We touched and felt each other for several hours until the sky began to lighten. Ultimately, I did not orgasm, but it did not matter. I had come to the sweet, little epiphany that sometimes it was not the destination that was important, but the journey itself. I had received the biggest ego boost of my life last night and sexually awakened in a way that should have been reserved for when I am older. When all was said and moaned, he rose up for a kiss to which I gladly obliged. It was tender and gentle and nearly broke my heart in its intensity. We promptly fell asleep, our bodies tangled up in each other, and woke up not many hours later. Our time was almost over.

To delay our goodbyes, he suggested taking a shower together, which I had also never done before. We turned the water heat as hot as it would go and shivered as we touched each other still. He slid to his knees again and buried his mouth inside me. I looked down at him, entranced and aroused by his complete submission, and sighed in pure contentment. We dried off, and he helped me rub lotion on my back. While I was dressed in my skivvies, he pulled me to him for another hug. We kissed. He left. I closed my eyes and smiled. For a rare moment, I was wholly comfortable in my skin, and it showed.

Heel Face Turn

Okay, see that post below this one? Completely disregard it because last night was the night I had my awakening. Wanna know what kind of ***** I have? The kind that makes you go for thirds. Yeah, you heard me right. All these months of stress, deliberate isolation, self-esteem issues, academic failures, and sexual frustrations had coiled into this ball of SUCKAGE that I was convinced I could never escape from. I went to the lesbian bondage party expecting nothing (well, I really wanted to jump on a certain girl, which I did so :D) and left the party with Mr. Slim & Muscular Grad Student. Needless to say, expectations: exceeded beyond human comprehension. The (Wo)Man Upstairs (or Downstairs?) took pity on me and decided to throw me a bone before I launch myself into this Hell Week. I am currently grinning like an idiot and am thoroughly convinced that everything will work itself out. Whoo boy, what a night.

Life as Usual

Today I went to a party sober and subsequently pounded three beers in a row. Today I danced until I knew for certain my hips and thighs will be cursing me tomorrow. Today I almost hooked up with someone (again.) Today I ran into the Hot Bartender and chatted for a bit (and oh how I swooned.) Today, I spotted two girls drunkenly making out on the dancefloor and felt this surge of jealousy and longing that I have not experienced in nearly a year. I wanted to be them so badly. I wanted ***** and I to be them so badly. I am a sexually frustrated creature, and something eventually needs to give.

And in other news, I will be flying back home on the 18th. Hurrah.

Homework? What Homework?

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