XKCD is The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread

Black Hole

Black hole you say? It has another name:

Playing Mass Effect 2. Sigh. Aah me.

Dream A Little Dream of Me

I had a dream about Mass Effect last night, which is probably indicative of how much and how often I've been playing the damn game ever since I bought it a few weeks ago.

Somebody save me >>

Truth: It Scares Me

The Restaurant Gods

The Restaurant Gods have ten rules that apply to all waiters from all walks of life in all types of restaurants. Actually, they're not so much rules as they are "conditions" that must occur. Hmm, what's the right word? Theories? Nah. Aah, got it! LAWS. So ahem, these LAWS are concrete and set in Moses-Old-Testament-Mt. Sinai type stone, you hear me? For this particular intent and purpose, I have tweaked a few of the laws to specifically apply to me. Aaand here they are:

1. Sisyphus Law - As soon as I finish bagging the big bags of chips that sit out in the front, several orders will immediately come in succession that require purchasing at least 2-3 bags each.

2. All Forces Converge Law - At any given moment throughout the day, as soon as the business phone begins to ring, a car will pull up at the drive-thru window just as a dine-in customer will walk through the door while I am in the kitchen in the middle of performing a task that cannot be quit halfway, such as making tea.

3. Hold It In Law - Although there have been no calls or customers in the premises for the past 3 hours, as soon as I take the Dead Hours opportunity to have a quick pee break, I will return to my post only to find a seated table waiting for me. Or the phone will have been ringing the entire time I was gone.

4. Oliver Twist Law - Although there have been no calls or customers in the premises for the past 3 hours, as soon as I take the Dead Hours opportunity to sit down at a table with a quick meal, a dine-in/business call will go through.

5. Early Bird Gets No Worm Law - On the mornings that I am late in opening the restaurant, those are the days that there will be at least one car sitting out front waiting for me to unlock the doors so that they may storm in.

6. Helium Rule - At any point in time that I find myself intereacting with a customer, my voice will both involuntarily and inexplicably rise several pitches so that it sounds high and fluttering.

7. Every Dog Does Not Have Its Day - On the Blue Moon occasions that I have a scheduled day off, there is a 99.9% probability that someone will call in sick/simply not show up/call for back-up help.

8. Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle - When the manager makes a surprise visit, I will have finished all side jobs and main tasks beforehand so that she comes in to find me standing at the front counter twiddling my thumbs looking lazy and idle when I have in fact already finished everything.

9. A Dish Best Served Cold Law - Right as the kitchen bell rings to indicate a hot meal ready to be carried out to its table, I will be prevented from quickly doing so as a walk-in has suddenly appeared or a delivery call has rung in.

10. Background Check Law - When on the phone with a customer, if there so happens to be someone else waiting for me, the phone customer will inevitably ask me to hold for reasons unknown while s/he causes a commotion on the other line doing something or other.

Nothing On My Sleeve

I am perfectly willing to talk about the lewd, explicit details of my non-sex life to complete strangers. My political leanings? An open book. Views on abortion, same-sex marriage, etc.? No secrets there. In fact, I can be brutally frank about damn near anything you ask me. I can seem disarmingly open.

Except one thing.

I don't talk about my family.

Restaurant Trends Observed in Southern Black People

1. When they call the restaurant to order, there is always a baby crying in the background.

2. There is at least one order of shrimp, eggrolls, or chicken wings on their tickets.

3. They more often than not are a no-show whenever they order to-go. (People, I got to get home at closing time! Please get here beforehand! Or just show up T__T)

4. Tip? What tip?

5. After dining in, their tables look like the Second Armageddon.

~~

Obviously, this is all half-jokingly in good fun.

WHY CAN'T IT SHOW SOONER

Relevant Picture is Relevant

Young and Restless

(Again, read at your own risk. Wishful sexytime abounds.)

~~

I've been craving you. At first, I was alarmed that these pangs of longing meant that I wanted you as some kind of boyfriend, holding my hand in public, taking me out on dates--those kinds of romantic strappings. I heaved a huge sigh of relief upon realizing I desire nothing of the sort. On the contrary, my near-constant daydreams feature you and I in decidedly physical situations, each scenario growing more explicit than the last until I can bear it no longer and let my hand wander south.

Unfortunately, my fantasies aren't too imaginative, which I attribute to my lack of experience (sigh.) Mostly they are could-have-beens, different choices I could have made, different consequences, different results. In one dream, I throw caution to the wind and ask you for a condom. The ensuing pain is sharp but brief, and I finally rid myself of my pesky virginity in a one-night stand. Another one is where you have actually pleasured me to orgasm, and I come in your mouth. Overcome by my lustful abandon, you come too, and we end the night literally covered in each other. A particular favorite of mine has you fucking me against the shower, my breasts pressed against your chest, your mouth on the crook of my neck. And on some days all I can picture is you on your knees with your hands on my hips, sprinkling kisses across my stomach and waist. I replay each one over and over in my head until I'm left gasping your name--which reminds me, you don't have a very interesting name. Do you know how many ****'s there are?

So here I am, dedicating yet another post to you: yes, you. Maybe I have way too much free time. Maybe I've been horny for too long. Maybe I'm looking for another muse. Maybe it's all three. In any case, I want you so badly sometimes that I get these aches--a warning sign, perhaps?

Somebody get me a doctor. Preferably a hot one.