The Restaurant Gods

The Restaurant Gods have ten rules that apply to all waiters from all walks of life in all types of restaurants. Actually, they're not so much rules as they are "conditions" that must occur. Hmm, what's the right word? Theories? Nah. Aah, got it! LAWS. So ahem, these LAWS are concrete and set in Moses-Old-Testament-Mt. Sinai type stone, you hear me? For this particular intent and purpose, I have tweaked a few of the laws to specifically apply to me. Aaand here they are:

1. Sisyphus Law - As soon as I finish bagging the big bags of chips that sit out in the front, several orders will immediately come in succession that require purchasing at least 2-3 bags each.

2. All Forces Converge Law - At any given moment throughout the day, as soon as the business phone begins to ring, a car will pull up at the drive-thru window just as a dine-in customer will walk through the door while I am in the kitchen in the middle of performing a task that cannot be quit halfway, such as making tea.

3. Hold It In Law - Although there have been no calls or customers in the premises for the past 3 hours, as soon as I take the Dead Hours opportunity to have a quick pee break, I will return to my post only to find a seated table waiting for me. Or the phone will have been ringing the entire time I was gone.

4. Oliver Twist Law - Although there have been no calls or customers in the premises for the past 3 hours, as soon as I take the Dead Hours opportunity to sit down at a table with a quick meal, a dine-in/business call will go through.

5. Early Bird Gets No Worm Law - On the mornings that I am late in opening the restaurant, those are the days that there will be at least one car sitting out front waiting for me to unlock the doors so that they may storm in.

6. Helium Rule - At any point in time that I find myself intereacting with a customer, my voice will both involuntarily and inexplicably rise several pitches so that it sounds high and fluttering.

7. Every Dog Does Not Have Its Day - On the Blue Moon occasions that I have a scheduled day off, there is a 99.9% probability that someone will call in sick/simply not show up/call for back-up help.

8. Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle - When the manager makes a surprise visit, I will have finished all side jobs and main tasks beforehand so that she comes in to find me standing at the front counter twiddling my thumbs looking lazy and idle when I have in fact already finished everything.

9. A Dish Best Served Cold Law - Right as the kitchen bell rings to indicate a hot meal ready to be carried out to its table, I will be prevented from quickly doing so as a walk-in has suddenly appeared or a delivery call has rung in.

10. Background Check Law - When on the phone with a customer, if there so happens to be someone else waiting for me, the phone customer will inevitably ask me to hold for reasons unknown while s/he causes a commotion on the other line doing something or other.