READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

So today is the second day of my six-day period. And *my* second days feel like someone has stuck a dagger in your gut and is twisting the damn thing around. I can picture the innards below my bellybutton swirling along the blade as it buries itself to the hilt. And no, I don't take ibuprofen for my pain. Not often. Who wants to be a slave to period-painkillers? (Not I, said the very lonely cat.)

But you know what's the worst part of periods? No, not the cramping, though that does suck considerably. No, not the fear of leakage or stainage or whatever else-age either.

If your squick threshold is low, don't read past this. I warned you.

***

Period shits.

There I said it.

Period Shits.

PERIOD SHITS.

PERIOOOOD SHIIIITS.

That feeling where all the cramping pains seem to press down onto your ovaries or uterus or another reproductive organ, and then you run to the bathroom because you only just now realized that THAT pain wasn't regular period pain but period pain mixed with I-GOTTA-TAKE-A-DUMP pain and then you're at the toilet and you sit down and

BA-DOOOOOOOOSSSSHHH--

And then for a few seconds (or minutes) you sit there, still and unmoving, because you can't move under the wake of sweet releeaase and reliiieef and only later, FINALLY, you breathe a sigh of a shit well-dumped and reach for the toilet paper.

Right then. Finished here. Alright. I'm good. It's cool now. Done.

La Dee Da

When will I stop drifting, I wonder.

All I Want For Christmas is--

what I've already said time after time. I don't need to repeat myself, now do I?

Recreation

Oh my god THIS.

Combustible Pants

I lied to my parents to get them off my back. How long can I keep it up this time?

Ex Marks The Spot

I had another motherfucking dream about you a few nights ago. Why oh why won't this madness stop? Is it because I'm still yearning to do and say all the things we never did or said when we were together? Is it because I'm still trying to apologize for being such a shitty girlfriend? Is it because I still have feelings for you? What is it, what What WHAT. Somebody tell me, please. I don't get this. Lately, all of my dreams have included at least two of these elements:

- a road trip/field trip of some kind
- a bathroom where illicit scenes take place
- sexytime activities
- one of the boys from my past/present/future(HAR KIDDING)
- someone I know, watching me/us
- a warped version of the school campus, be it Darlington or Middlebury

SENSE: this makes none.

I'm a virgin who's raring to go. Obviously this frustration will trickle into my dreams. I get that much. Guys keep making appearances because I had/have chances with them. I get that too. But what the Fuck are with the public bathrooms, and the piss, and the other unmentionables, and the public areas where I tend to get my dreamy freak on? Last time I checked, pee and shit don't turn me on. Sigh.

I need some normal REM visions up in here. Freud can't help me this time @_@

When I Grow Up

Blinders

I need to stay for an entire year at home.

This conviction of mine to return to Middlebury in the spring? Yeah, just another passing whim that ultimately came to naught by the end. I haven't learned anything, haven't changed, improved--nothing. I am stuck. I am stagnant. I don't know what to do with myself, and I am so frightened. I'm about to fail two classes out of four here at Shorter, and that is the saddest, most pathetic thing I've said all year. It's one thing to fuck up in Vermont. But here? In Georgia? Right under my parents' loving, worried noses? This is a new low. I didn't know there was a low this low.

I can only hope that O'Neal will have mercy on me, and grant me an Incomplete. I have no idea what to do about Vosevich. I must be a masochist because this is the third trap I've made for myself. And it doesn't look like it'll stop anytime soon. I wish I could tell my parents. I wish I could tell them what was wrong. But I don't know. I don't know anything. I'm spiraling in the heydays of my youth, and I wonder wonder wonder what the rest of my life will be like. Why am I so stuck in my ways? Why have I lost complete control of myself since the end of high school? Why don't I have my shit together?

Why?

Why?

I don't know anything anymore.

End Times

I'm in trouble.