Blinders

I need to stay for an entire year at home.

This conviction of mine to return to Middlebury in the spring? Yeah, just another passing whim that ultimately came to naught by the end. I haven't learned anything, haven't changed, improved--nothing. I am stuck. I am stagnant. I don't know what to do with myself, and I am so frightened. I'm about to fail two classes out of four here at Shorter, and that is the saddest, most pathetic thing I've said all year. It's one thing to fuck up in Vermont. But here? In Georgia? Right under my parents' loving, worried noses? This is a new low. I didn't know there was a low this low.

I can only hope that O'Neal will have mercy on me, and grant me an Incomplete. I have no idea what to do about Vosevich. I must be a masochist because this is the third trap I've made for myself. And it doesn't look like it'll stop anytime soon. I wish I could tell my parents. I wish I could tell them what was wrong. But I don't know. I don't know anything. I'm spiraling in the heydays of my youth, and I wonder wonder wonder what the rest of my life will be like. Why am I so stuck in my ways? Why have I lost complete control of myself since the end of high school? Why don't I have my shit together?

Why?

Why?

I don't know anything anymore.