Once More, With Feeling

He nuzzles my neck and grabs my breast. His shallow breaths betray the excitement and lust he so coolly tried to play off earlier, when he first began. At one point, he inserts his tongue in my mouth, and it slithers about crevices I'm not even aware I have. Slick and squirming, this strange, unknown organ proceeds to sluice my lips in saliva as it slides out, finding a new spot to lick. He whispers flattery into my ear, and I can feel the erection through his pants.

And I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The nether regions of my body are as dry as the Sahara--not even a throb. I know he can sense my lack of enthusiasm, and eventually he'll ask about my less-than-lukewarm responses to his ardent advances. I don't know what to tell him. I won't know what to tell him. Poor boy. ...Wait, what am I saying? Poor me. I'm the victim here.

I blame it all on Eric Gautier. He's the one who made me this way: passionless and cold. I can't even tell this current boy how I see potential in us, that we should continue to meet, that no I don't want to see you with other girls. Instead I pull back and put up my tried-and-true defenses, pretending to be the distant, mean-hearted bitch who doesn't care at all if you see other people or not. The words tumble out of my mouth while my mind kicks back on autopilot and watches another almost-something fall apart before it even has the chance to get off the ground. "No, you and I should totally see other people. This is no big deal at all. Oh, how do I see you? What do I think of you? Well, I see you as a friend. Is that the answer you were looking for?"

That's right people. I'm calm. I'm cool. I'm collected. I'm that casual girl who's always up for a hookup, with no lingering attachment afterward. So go ahead. Do whatever you want with me, and when you're through, don't even bother asking if I'm okay with this because you know what I'll say? YES. I'll lie to myself and say YES.

Why can't I open up? Why am I so scared of being hurt again that I've closed myself off to letting anyone get close to me, despite the cries for a true romance my subconscious makes? I can't seem to expose myself anymore. I'm not willing to let myself be vulnerable again to another heartbreak. I don't want to seem clingy and desperate. This is why I feel nothing, even when it's with someone I like.

Oh, I hope there's someone who can let my guard down.