if you still creep on this blog, then read this

I think one of the most enjoyable things about having a new friend is the process of getting to know them. You share your interests, the music you listen to, the films you watch, the things you write, the principles you believe in, the skeletons you hide. They consume what you reveal, and you return the gesture. With each give and take, you learn a bit more about them in a gradual unfolding that enriches the connection you had decided to make. If they’re as invested as you are, the conversations occur almost every day until you discover that there are never enough hours in the day to say everything you want because tomorrow seems too far off in the distance to wait. You find time to talk to them even when you’re busy because the pleasure of their company is worth it. 

That’s not what’s happening here. For any number of reasons—work, hobbies, the personal—you’re unable to uphold your end of what I thought would be a redo of this past May. Or maybe this is exactly what you had envisioned, and I’ve simply misinterpreted the parameters of this experimental reconciliation. Because of that, I believe the short-lived arrangement we had agreed to a few weeks ago must come to an end. I couldn’t have stressed enough the importance of maintaining some semblance of friendship through this, which has been clearly not the case. You understand why I’m terminating this then. 

Another part of why this isn’t working is that I like you. More than I expected. More than I should. At the time that I told you I was emotionally sound enough to have sex, I wholeheartedly believed I was. I am not. The odd silences and sporadic moments of contact since leaving your house that Sunday night have been distracting at best. I’m not in the habit of sending messages that get ignored. I’m not in the habit of opening up about personal things that are left unanswered. I’m not in the habit of allowing people to take me for granted. 

I didn’t understand why I had suddenly been the one to initiate conversations again when prior to Labor Day Weekend, you had all been for repairing ties with me by stepping up yourself. I didn’t understand the abrupt change in mood and response rate in early September until I learned about your depression. That is to say, what you’ve been struggling with puts much of your behavior in an understandable context, but it doesn’t excuse the way you’ve been treating me—which is when I realized I’ve been expecting more out of what was meant to come without any strings attached.  

I’m not used to feeling this vulnerable, and telling you so. 

Suffering from depression in addition to a heavy workload and band obligations have affected your emotional/mental health while reducing your social activity. Please take care of yourself then, but don’t string me along anymore. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I matter this little to someone. I have to look out for myself too.